Kalistan

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Kalistani FM remarks on Foreign Relations
"New Englia is a challenge; Luthori 'apology' is silly," says Sir Harney
Kaliburg, Grand Duchy of Ananto
February 2, 5713


FM Harney (seen with Kaliburg based model Quelle Jones) answering uncomfortable questions

Her Imperial Majesty's Minister of Foreign Affairs, the enigmatic and infinitely charismatic Sir Thomas Harney agreed to answer questions concerning foreign policy earlier this week, as he was on his way to a formal Kaliburg Society event.

We asked him for an update on the New Englia petroleum bid. "Well, we're kind of in a wait and see situation," said the Foreign Minister. "We have passed her Imperial Majesty's comments to the Bianjian mission, and could end up backing their bid if we are ourselves not accepted, because it would be better for the oil profits to be denied to... I should rephrase that... to stay in the hands of Dovanians rather than Artanians. We would prefer to see local development, not development under the auspices of some foreign power who seeks to create just another dependency in New Englia in the guise of a helpful hand.

"But obviously," he continued, "Her Imperial Majesty believes that the best course would be for the Englian government to accept Kalistani money to develop their economy in other, cleaner, and obviously morally superior ways than anything the capitalists or liberals are aiming at. We'd prefer that the only nation to benefit monetarily from the deal be New Englia. It's a challenge, obviously, because New Englia has development priorities which likely require them to extract that oil, and they are looking for someone to pay for it, so if that is a must have for the Englians, its not something we will probably be willing to support. We only get the downside of environmental destruction, pollution and continued global petrodependency from that."

Asked if there are contingency plans to spend the money collected so far if New Englia opts to not accept the Kalistani bid, the Foreign Minister said, "We've offered to use it to help sweeten Bianjie's bid, just to make sure certain other elements do not win there. They haven't gotten back to us, so if it goes to one of these imperialist nations who are seeking to turn New Englia into a virtual colony once again, we'll probably spend it in a way that aims at undoing the environmental damage that burning 1.9 billion barrels of oil in 40 years will do to this planet."

What is the FM's response to Luthori's apology for colonialism in Dovani? "Luthori’s ‘apology’ is pretty silly. I mean—It's a good start. They owe those people a lot more than an apology, but it seems that their goal is to offer an apology and new development to its former colonies. We learn that that development rarely ever comes without political strings attached, of course. So we would encourage Dovanian nations to accept the apology, and demand reparations for the stolen wealth of centuries of exploitation which benefitted only the mother country. Luthori's currently prosperous situation rests on the wealth stolen from centuries of Dovanians. I'd demand profit sharing, if I were from Dovani."

We asked him if the Luthorian offers go far enough. "Well, no. Of course not. Not for Dovani, and there isn't even any apologies to Seleya. This is a travesty, from Kalistan's perspective. Yes, they owe to Dovani. I'm not denying that. But they also were rapine in Seleya too. We do not forget the role Luthori played in the stealing of Kalistani lands, or the support they gave to a puppet king in Baltusia. We do not forget that it was Luthorian troops who stole Athosia from us, by force of arms, and then laid waste to a beautiful paradise through neglect, exploitation, and ineptitude. We don't ask for apologies, though. We don't need reparations, nor do we need development aid, because Ananto was an Empire when Luthorians were living in cob huts, picking lice out of their hair for protein. Kalistan wants its land back, and if Luthori wanted to help, we would welcome it in this particularly and exclusively Kalistani cause. But if their apology to Dovanis helps them sleep a little easier at night, I suppose that is good enough for now."

Asked if he is concerned that these words might enflame Luthori, Sir Thomas laughed and asked "Why should they? It's the truth. At any rate, good for them, apologizing for something that happened thousands of years ago so they can re-enter the continent with an outstretched hand instead of a gun this time. At least they are appearing to come in peace this time."

We also asked the Foreign Minister about his relationship with Kaliburg based fitness and lingerie model Quelle Jones, who was with him at the interview. "Oh, well," Harney said, "Quelle and I are, well... friends, I suppose you could say."

"Friends with..." she started, but was interrupted by Harney.

"History... Haha, yes... We are old friends... I lose a lot of sleep over her... Let's leave it at that... This is a family newspaper..."

"Not too old," Jones added. "Well, Sir Thomas is old. But yes, friends is probably a good way to put it. Maybe more than that? I guess we'll never know..."

"Look, I'm a vain man," said Harney. "Just a personality trait of mine. And I happen to love the company of beautiful women. They make me look good. And right now, she's about the best looking person in this entire building. We're going to the Winter Ball tonight: You could say I am her Plus 1."

"Please," she said with a laugh. "I'm lucky to know this guy. I get into so many events because he is who he is. I've actually met the Empress, you know..."

At this moment, one of the Foreign Minister's assistants whispered in his ear, and he cut the interview short: "Well, folks, Ms. Jones and I will be on our way. Our car is here, and she has to get ready. Dinner will be served in a couple hours. But if you all are at the Ball, we can continue this there. Peace."

But Jones was not quite done. As she was leaving she looked back, and said: "He doesn't wear that eyepatch to bed, just saying..."

"Let's go, Dear," he said realizing that she was still talking to reporters.

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