Kalistani Major History

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Reprinted from:


First edition of Kaliburg Film Festival held for almost a century
Support from the Academy, Kalistani government and several industry figures allows historic festival to flourish once again in Ananto
28 April 4681


The historic Kaliburg Film Festival concluded overnight in the Kalistani capital city following its first edition since 4592. Films from across the globe were in competition for the festival's top prize, the Golden Mantis, and individuals from all aspects of the filmmaking process, as well as critics and members of the public, were in attendance. The Kaliburg festival is the first of an expanded range of film festivals taking place this year in order to mark the 2500th anniversary of the foundation of the International Motion Picture Academy and was able to take place thanks to backing from the Kalistani government and others.

Between 3881 and 4107, the Kaliburg festival was held in high regard alongside the three major IMPA-supported festivals held in Valois, Rittersheim and Kaizhou. Kaliburg juries and audiences had a reputation for rewarding alternative and genre films in a manner not typical of the other three festivals and a particularly memorable period for the festival was the "Golden Age of Horror". For seven consecutive years beginning in 3923, the festival's top prize was awarded to a horror film despite none of the other three festivals rewarding these films.



Above: Tang Zhenya received the Best Actress award for her first feature film appearance following a successful television career as the title character in Wuying


The relationship between Kaliburg and the horror genre is even reflected in the prize given to the best film in competition. The Golden Mantis is based on 3450 horror classic Mantis, in which a giant mantis brings terror to the Kalistani island of Ananto. Although it struggled to make back its budget, the film gained a cult following in the decades after its release and has been recognised by critics and film historians as a seminal film in the genre for the way it uses special effects and the manner in which it reflects societal concerns present at the time.

Over two hundred films were available for audiences across the festival's nine day programme. On top of the numerous film screened as part of the main competition, there were a variety of out of competition and special screenings including some classic films from across the festival's history. In characteristic fashion, both the Golden Mantis and the Audience Award were given to Kyo horror-thriller Terror.... Written and directed by veteran filmmaker Pae Pyong-ho, the film marks his return to Kyomal-language filmmaking for the first time in over three decades, having spend a significant period of his life living and working primarily in Hutori.

Acting awards were presented to Indralan newcomer Tang Zhenya for her role in satirical comedy Countdown to Deployment and Kalistan-native J. Fletcher Compton for his starring role in crime drama Streets of Sulari, which he was also responsible for writing and producing. In an interesting coincidence Dorvish director Jakob Tischner received a lifetime achievement award on the same day that his granddaughter Ann-Katrin Schütz won the competitive directing award for her second feature film Friedrich and I.

Following the success of the Kaliburg festival, the International Motion Picture Academy turns its attention to the rest of the year's programme of events. In addition to the annual festivals in Lourenne, Dundorf and Indrala, the Academy has organised three further events to be held in Istapali, Vanuku and Egelion as part of their anniversary celebrations. Capping off these celebrations are the annual Academy Awards to be held next January, which will feature an expanded selection of awards to recognise the most influential films and figures over the two and half millennia that the Academy has existed.

The International Motion Picture Academy is an international organisation dedicated to recognising and promoting quality in the art of motion pictures.

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ODEN restoration campaign starts BubblingSocialist Party of Kalistan calls restoration of the Treaty its "most important domestic legislative priority"
Kaliburg, Ananto
September 18, 4681


Speaker of the SP, Sister Edwards gets "lifted" in a new pro-ODEN campaign

In a wide campaign led by various marijuana growing associations across Kalistan and joined by the Socialist Party of Kalistan, public support for the revival of the Organization of Drug Exporting Nations treaty is growing in Kalistan.  The SP has declared it to be their most important domestic legislative priority for the coming elections, and has decided to run on the promise to use its votes to bring the matter to the Assembly.

Sister Rebecca Edwards-Bennots, Speaker of the SP is featured on a number of the posters publicizing the campaign.  "The Socialist Party is a long standing supporter of the ODEN and the dual economy.  We believe that there is wide support in the Republic for the restoration of the Treaty, and while militias will be a tougher lift, and will require a unification of the Nationalist vote, we think ODEN, which is noting but a positive for the Kalistani economy is an easier project for our reorganized Party to tackle.  We think that there is a good economic case to be made for ODEN, and we also believe that the Treaty helps protect the society from overdoses and illegal drug activity.  Increased exports to the world, as well as reduction in crime and strain on the medical system are our major selling points, and the Socialist Party has been asked to dedicate its full efforts to rejoining ODEN."

Edwards, the photogenic 26 year old Brethernist, is the perfect candidate for the ODEN campaign propaganda.  She is known to completely abstain from drug and alcohol use, but says she believes that people should be free to make that choice for themselves the same way she has.  "ODEN works, because those drugs which are unregulated in Kalistan, they breed violent crime as one black market actor fights against another, and both peddle substandard and often dangerous versions of the same thing that ODEN could sell in a controlled environment."  Additionally, she said, when the black market sells the drugs, none of that money comes back to Kalistan at all. "Taxation and regulation is a financial boon for our treasury, as well as a benefit to the citizens."

The ODEN campaign will run over the next year and will feature retro themed-art, provided by the Beardog Collective, an artist collective based in Eveari, Ananto who have donated their time and materials to the effort.

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Socialist Speaker delivers speech on Ananto Strait"These waters are fully within Kalistani National Territory"
Kaliburg, Ananto
March 12, 4683


Sister Rebecca Edwards-Bennots, Speaker of the Socialist Party of Kalistan

Yesterday, at Kaliburg Polytechnic University, the Leader of the Socialist Party of Kalistan issued a statement on the renewed tensions in the Ananto Strait which were provoked by Dorvish incursion.  As the speech went on, the Speaker began to address those nations which were deliberately irritating the situation with their unnecesarily provocative acts of war in the Strait.  Here are her comments:

Thank you, friends, for coming to listen to this speech.  As you know, I try to reserve my speech, but I am moved to speak to you and to the nation today to clarify the matter of the Ananto Strait.  The Socialist Party has long held that the Strait is inviolable, as a part of Kalistani National Territory, and as we are open to free trade but not invasion by a hostile foreign military, the Socialist Party has always held that the Strait, when violated by foreign military forces, this constitutes an ACTUAL invasion of our territory.

We have heard and appreciate the arguments of the opponents of that position.  We do not agree with them.  Given as much credit to the logic of the opponents, I will attempt to faithfully make those arguments.  They all rely on international norms of freedoms of the seas and freedoms of navigation.  Most of these arguments use language of the Law of the Sea Treaty, which Kalistan was a party to for centuries.  But at some point, likely after our nation began exploiting the petroleum found in the Strait, our nation realized that leaving that lane open to foreign military passage was an existential threat to Kalistan.  If we allow foreign military forces to have free roam, it would only be a matter of time when a superior force who is hostile to the existence of our Republic destroys a significant portion of our economy with impunity.  This realization, combined with the legitimate economic development, and increase in Kalistan's own national power to the point where it no longer has to bow to the whim of foreign nations, led to Kalistan's first quarantine of the Anantonese Ocean, specifically the Strait. 

The original Anantonese Ocean Quarantine resulted in Ananto being invaded by Indrala, which threatened to completely abolish the existence of Kalistan, thus confirming the fears of the policy makers that sought to protect Kalistan with the Quarantine in the first place.  Kaliburg was utterly destroyed by the NAVAL FORCE of the Indralan Empire, and due to the valiant effort of partisan forces on a blockaded Ananto, we were able to fight Indrala to a negotiated peace which restored the status quo ex ante.  Kalistan was left in control of the Straits, foreign commercial shipping was restored through the Strait, and Military traffic shifted to Ananto's west.  This small concession was something that Kalistan was willing to sacrifice ALL of its people to achieve:  we demonstrated this fact through the loss of thousands of Kalistan Partisans and Regular Forces, and the loss of our President on the front lines.

Later, as those hostile to the existence of an Independent Kalistan with an non-aligned foreign policy, began threatening Kalistan once more over the waters, Kalistan once more closed the straits to all foreign traffic.  We were immediately attacked by several nations for asserting our rights and sovereignty.  We fought the war to a stalemate, and the Kalistani claim over the Strait was defacto acknowledged by belligerents in Kazulia and their allies.  Once more, Kalistan demonstrated their willingness to fight and die for what it calls its own. 

The Strait lie entirely within the national territory of Kalistan.  Either side of the Strait is Kalistani.  We conduct traffic which is vital to the existence of Kalistan through that strait.  Significant Kalistani economic activity takes place in that Strait.  Vital infrastructure vital to link Ananto to the Mainland exists on the floor and on the surface of this Strait.  This Strait is integral to Kalistan's existence.  And foreign military traffic's incursion in the Strait, without even the modicum of cooperation or coordination with Kalistani authorities, let alone the acknowledgement of any rights to insist on our participation in the matter is simply unconscionable. It is a naval invasion of Kalistan.

It would be ridiculous for Kalistani naval vessels to appear off the shores of any other states.  It would be deemed an act of war.  Most certainly, it would be deemed a violation of sovereignty.  Some states will mock this statement and say something to the effect of 'We'd destroy you before you ever got here.'  Well, Kalistan has said that too.  And we have.  We sought to repel the invasion in the Strait before it arrived at Kalistani shores.  And for that, nations seek to test our resolve in the Strait.  Just recently, Dorvik shortsightedly sailed its fleet through the Strait, and then belligerently passed a resolution simply declaring the offensive military weaponry and their ranges in response to our protests.  They believed they did so with impunity.  But the Kalistani Regular Navy shadowed their ships until they sailed on. 

Kalistan is resolved:  Foreign Nations will not invade our Republic.  We will simply not tolerate it, nor should we even have to say as much.  There is NOTHING in the freedom of navigation that permits foreign invasion of National Waters.  Freedom of navigation covers commercial traffic, and Kalistan has acknowledged freedom of maritime commerce.  But military invasion is something that is far different.  There is no reason why foreign naval vessels should not skirt the Island of Ananto to the east, or better yet, sail their ships within sight of Lourenne, where Kalistan has no interest.  And there is zero reason for them to seek to pass through the Strait, unless it is just to threaten Kalistan.  They insist upon sailing through the Strait just to irritate and threaten Kalistan.  But we will not succumb to their terrorism. 

We call upon ALL nations of the world to work with Kalistan to develop a new Treaty regime which respects Kalistani sovereignty within the Strait, and acknowledges the free passage of naval weaponry to Ananto's east, outside of Kalistan's National territory, and away from those things we call our vital national interests.  We want peace, and we would like resolution of this issue once and for all.  But Kalistan will NOT back down in the face of ultra militaristic belligerence.  We will not set our national interests to whatever is in the interest of imperialist nations.  The only way they will ever get us to do that is to invade us and kill us all.  Because I can guarantee it, as long as a Socialist exists in Kalistan, even the most ardent Brethrenist among them, we will NEVER acknowledge the supposed claims to right of transit of foreign military powers through Kalistani National Waters in the Strait.  We would all rather die defending those.  The fight to do so is the fight to defend Kalistani existence.

We close in asking:  since you know what we are willing to commit to, how much are you willing to commit to, just so you can prove a goddamned point?  It costs you nothing to go around the east side of Ananto.  It is safer for you and for us for you to go around the east side of Ananto.  And it is does not unnecessarily irritate Kalistan if you want to sail aircraft carriers through the Lourenne Strait, or nuclear submarines, or whatever you like.  You provoke war by sailing through the Strait, over a norm we do not even acknowledge.  The only way to force us to acknowledge your claims in that Strait is to kill us all, because Kalistanis will never acknowledge it while there is breath in our lungs.  Is this something you want, just to prove your point?  Or is it just more beneficial for us all if you go around the east side?

Think about it, please.  We would rather have peace, but we will never bow to threats and extortion.  That's just how it is.

I wish you all peace and wisdom.  I hope something I have said has made some difference.

With that, she left the podium.

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GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES EXCLUSION ZONE IN ANANTO STRAIT FOR MILITARY VESSELS, ISSUES "FIRE AT WILL" ORDER
The National Navy has gained the order to maintain the new exclusion zone and fire at any military vessel trying to pass the strait
May 18th, 4683

The 2nd fleet of Kalistan during one of their recently frequent patrols in the Ananto strait

Kaliburg: The Kalistani government has announced the creation of a exclusion zone encompassing the entire Ananto strait. The reason for the creation of the zone is, according to Premier Brett Robinson, "the total lack of respect for Kalistani territorial claims and the continued violation of what we see as our sovereign territory by foreign entities". The exclusion zone will be enforced on military vessels only and most merchant shipping will be allowed to pass through the strait regardless of the exclusion zone. In addition to the exclusion zone Premier Robinson has also announced that the National Navy has gained the right to fire at will at any military vessel threatening to pass the strait and that "Forces of the National Airforce will stand ready to aid the National Navy if required"

These decisions were expected for some time as Dorvik and Lourenne once again held a so called "freedom of navigation operation" through the strait. The Kalistani government had debated the issue for some time before reaching a decision, weighing in several factors including impact on trade and international relations. The CPK government however determined that the threat to national security was a greater danger for the country then the loss of trade and economic output and therefor they had reached this decision.
In order to mitigate the effects of the lowered amount of trade between foreign nations and Kalistan the minister of finance and minister of foreign affairs have announced a joined project to improve Kalistans relations with nations in Seleya itself and sign trade deals within the continent so that the damage to the Kalistani economy is kept to a minimum. This will automatically mean a increase in over-land trade. While sea based trade will likely remain the most important for Kalistan this would shift the nature of Kalistani trade somewhat, posing new challenges for any new government that takes office.

The exclusion zone and fire at will order went into effect last night.

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VALRUZIAN CHANCELLOR PERFORMS STATE VISIT TO KALISTAN
The Chancellor of Valruzia came to Kalistan last week to discuss increased trade ties, improve relations and discuss possible military exercises between the two countries
May 20th, 4683

The private plane of the Valruzian Chancellor landing at the International airport in Kaliburg

Kaliburg: Valruzian Chancellor Krystian Brosz visited the Kalistani capital of Kaliburg earlier this week on a official state visit to our country. The Valruzian leader had planned the trip for a few months already as Premier Robinson invited him back in 4682. When his plane landed at the international airport of Kaliburg he was greeted by Premier Robinson and several Republican Guard members, a new ceremonial force of the Kalistani military used for such occasions. He was then escorted to Robinson his personal vehicle with which they travelled to the Premiers office in downtown Kaliburg. First they talked for around 2 hours discussing a possible increase in trade ties and a military exercise the two nations would like to hold in the near future.

After the formalities both leaders once again stepped into Robinson his vehicle and travelled around the city, visiting the national museum and the local opera as well as going by a homeless shelter to talk with the people there and see what problems they face on a day to day basis. They then went on to go to the Kalistani parliament where they held a joint press conference stating that their intention is to "increase trade between our two nations and ensure that citizens of both Valruzia and Kalistan will feel this new relationship in their pockets. It is time Seleyan nations stand together and we look forward to a fruitful relationship".

The two leaders signed several trade deals afterwards which were focussed on a lot of different sectors, increasing hopes that this will ensure renewed growth of both the Valruzian and Kalistani economy.

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PREMIER ROBINSON'S CPK PROPOSES RENEWED INVESTMENT INTO NATIONAL NAVY
Premier of the Republic Bret Robinson and his CPK party have proposed a appropriations bill that would authorize his government to invest in the National Navy
August 3rd, 4686

Premier Robinson explaining his party's plan to the press

Kaliburg: Premier Bret Robinson has announced, together with the CPK party leadership, that they will propose a bill to the floor of the assembly that will ask parliament to authorize additional investments into the National Navy. According to Robinson the recent tensions within the Ananto strait have caused many within navy circles to become worried about the possibility of conflict over the strait. This possibility combined with the Kalistani navy remaining thinly stredged out following the creation of the exlusion zone is reason enough for Kalistan to need investment into its naval forces said Premier Robinson.

Robinson, who is nearing the end of his second term, has made it his "task" to strengthen the security of Kalistan and has now convinced his party to take over the stance. In the plan, which is likely to be proposed in the coming months, the CPK supported by Robinson will ask for a 3 billion LOD investment in the construction of new ships and another 1 billion in Research and Development of new munitions and other naval equipment.
If the proposal is to pass the Ministry of Defense will "immediately work with our private bussinesspartners to look which ships could additionally be constructed". In addition to investments into the navy Robinson has also announced increased training for naval officers and the creation of a naval nerve center to ensure quick coordination between all naval forces.

The proposal which Robinson has named the "Military Investment for Stability Act (MISA)" will likely receive support from several party's within the assembly but it remains to be seen whether it will receive a majority of votes.

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Joaquin Delgado Moves Ambitious Legislative AgendaFocus is on re-adoption of ODEN, Reinstatement of Militias
Kaliburg, Ananto
March 17, 4691


Joaquin Delgado, Highest SP Officeholder in the Republic

New Foreign Minister Joaquin Delgado, working closely with SP and RSP, appear to be poised to begin rebuilding Kalistani institutions.  On the forefront of efforts in bills which are virtually assured to pass given current vote standings, the Recreational Drug Act and the Militias act pave the way for readoption of ODEN in Kalistan, and the return of Party Militias respectively.  This ambitious agenda reverses decades of Kalistani irrelevance and promises to provide Kalistan the first glimpses of a rejuvenated position in Northern Anantonese Affairs.

Delgado, speaking for the Socialist Party, lauded the votes in the Assembly.  "We are taking the first steps toward Kalistani revitalization after decades of Conservative leadership. While the SP worked closely with the Conservatives, due to our relative institutional positions, it is time once more to move left.  In these efforts, Kalistan will be returning to a more traditional institutional arrangement in our economy and in our national Defense doctrine.  We thank for the now defunct Conservatives for their work for Kalistan, but it is now time to restore our rightful place in world affairs."

Less certain is another SP measure concerning National Service.  The Speaker of the SP, Sister Rebecca Bennots-Edwards, said once ODEN and the new National Defense Doctrine are in place, the SP's attention can turn toward National Service.  "We are prepared for the debate on National Service.  The NSP has provided Kalistan with economic stability envied by many of the Capitalist Nations of the world, simply by soaking up excess labor and guaranteeing jobs for all Kalistanis.  We would welcome the opportunity to discuss the matter with the Syndicalists, who have voted against the matter in this round.  We are sure, with certain guarantees, we could move both of our Parties to a moderate position on the matter and rebuild the NSP." 

Also on the SP's medium term agenda is the reauthorization of the National Strategic Industries, the National Bank, and the Republican Food Bank.  "We also want to roll back some of the police state policies which were passed into law under the previous administrations.  Civil Liberties are far more important than the need for those in power to assert their authority over the masses, and once ODEN is on the docket, the SP will introduce legislation to these ends."

The resurgent Socialist Party of Kalistan has also welcomed Kazulian representatives to Kalistan to discuss free trade, but thus far, no response has been received from Kazulia.

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Marijuana Growers Union ramps up productionODEN's Readoption expected to Revitalize Industry
Dahriel, Ananto
March 30, 4691


Sweetleaf Plantation in Dahriel expected to sell more than 1 ton of marijuana following ODEN's return

The Marijuana Industry in Kalistan which has lagged for decades following the abolition of ODEN in Kalistan, is expected to make a dramatic recovery following the readoption of the treaty.  ODEN is one of Kalistan's oldest institutions, but was allowed to lapse following a commitment to redraft which was never followed through on.  As a result, marijuana and other drug sales experienced a sharp decline in revenues, and an even sharper drop in production.

This collapse of the floor in the drug market in Kalistan did not go unnoticed, however, as it allowed those who had previously worked the land to form a new co-operative, known as the Kalistani Marijuana Growers Association, which bought all the lands previously under cultivation, and preserved the productive capacity of the land.  The workers operated the land socially, and shared the profits, while independent growers were invited to buy in to the co-operative on an equal footing.  Over the decades, the Growers Association, which replaced the long defunct Growers' Union, gradually expanded their farms to ODEN levels, and maintained the high standards of Kalistani marijuana which had been held to under ODEN.  Ten years ago, the MGA worked with the re-established Socialist Party of Kalistan to launch the push for ODEN, which now finally appears to be about to become a Reality.

Sister Rebecca Bennots, of the SP has been an ardent public supporter of the Growers' Association's aims to re-establish ODEN.  Said the Speaker, "The Marijuana Growers Associations in our Districts have continued many of the best traditions of Kalistan.  They have maintained a commitment to equality in their membership, and promoted work at a decent wage for all those who want work and can't find it elsewhere in the Republic.  They have also established a high standard of quality for their product which, even without ODEN, serves as the world standard.  As more and more countries begin adopting a more permissive stance toward drug consumption, the Growers' Association will be at the forefront in expanding our drug industry and returning Kalistan to its rightful place as the world's greatest producer of mind expanding substances.  We welcome their efforts, and are happy to work with them as we take the policy steps needed to ensure the vision of the MGA in Kalistan is realized in full."

The Marijuana Growers' Association is currently the largest 100% employee-owned syndicate in the Republic, and their members tend to provide important support for both SP and RSP elections.  In all, the Growers' Association profits allow all members to receive a generous living wage, as well as medical and dental benefits, and a very lucrative pension beginning at age 55.  Their training program is built on the model of the National Service Program, and they operate many important poor relief charities across the Republic.  The Association's President, Terrence Carrangus, says he looks forward to the re-establishment of ODEN in Kalistan.  "The guaranteed market will help us fill in the gaps that the government, which is still operated largely on liberal principles, fails to fill, especially in regard to social welfare and public service.  Our mission, at the end of the day, is as much to provide the highest quality product, as it is to perform social good, and built as we are on ethical socialism, we consider it a moral obligation to do what the state has thus far demonstrated that it is unwilling to do.  It is my obligation, as a member of society.  When ODEN returns, my job will be made that much easier."

Passage of ODEN will be initiated by October of this year, with its final adoption expected in in 4693.

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KRTVN Relaunches with smash comedy
Pokes "good-natured fun" at Dorvik
Kaliburg, Ananto
October 17, 4693


Eddie Lopez plays the title role in "Der Dorvischer Säufer"

The return of the Socialist Party to the absolute Majority in Kalistan has ensured some fairly predictable policy alterations. One of the most reliable bets is the reorganization of the National Radio and Television Network as a "Not-for-profit" broadcasting collective which is purely subscriber owned and operated.  The preliminary moves to relaunch the network were made immediately following elections this year where the Socialist Party once more swept into the Constitutional Majority.  The reorganization is currently being codified in law.

Following the reorganization, KRTVN execs began pitching shows for the new Fall Season.  Channel 7, which focuses on entertainment programming, greenlit a program with a very strange concept, and this show has turned into the sleeper hit of the year.  "Der Dorvischer Säufer", which loosely translates to "The Dorvikish Drunk", is a mocumentary of sorts:  The show and its premise are entirely fictional, but at the beginning of each episode, a disclaimer is aired which is recited by a woman speaking in a thick Dorvish accent:  "Das Folgende ist nur für den lokalen Dorvik-Verzehr bestimmt. Dieses Filmmaterial darf unter keinen Umständen außerhalb von Dorvik gezeigt werden. Jeder Täter wird gezwungen, 42 Liter Lager zu trinken und dann 18,2 Kilometer in der heißen Sonne zu laufen. Und dann beginnt die Bestrafung. Du wurdest gewarnt!"  This roughly translates to "The following program is only for local Dorvik Consumption and must never be shown outside of Dorvik.  Any offenders will be forced to drink exactly 11.1 gallons of beer and then run 11.3 miles in the hot sun.  And then the punishment will begin.  You have been warned."

The show begins each week with a goofy sounding polka, called jokingly "Die Volker Polka" complete with the show's star, Eddie Lopez, who's character is only known as "Der Dorvischer Säufer" dancing ridiculously in Lederhosen.  He regularly announces the upcoming show and introduces the show's guest stars and musical acts, speaking Vrassan but with a thick Dorvish accent, and then proceeds to fill up a large beer stein and runs out into the crowd, drinking the beer as he goes out.  He shakes hands with elderly folks, and he passes out green triangle hats with red feathers on them to some of the more attractive members of the crowd.  Occasionally, he will trip and spill his beer, but this does not slow him down:  a stagehand is there immediately to refill the stein.

The show, which is more or less a variety show, presents the "authentic" Dorvish viewpoint on all matters.  Nothing is spared from satire, except always the ubiquitous, but never seen "Kaiser", who is often "accidentally" mentioned in the scene at a comedic moment.  The mere mention of "The Kaiser" effectively ends the scene, with a close up of Lopez' face, who has faux welled up with tears of admiration for his beloved "fuhrer", just before the show cuts away to commercial.  The acts feature general Dorvik themed buffoonery, and excellent Nationally known musical groups always grace the stage, but invariably, the camera cuts away from the bands to Lopez, who is slightly offstage waving an 8 foot wide Dorvik flag on a pole, and chugging some sort of alcohol.  Whenever a reggae band has been booked, Lopez has been known to stop the band midsong and insist that they play polka--apparently, reggae sounds like offbeat polka to him and it seems to inspire him to demand a "Traditional song from der Vaterland!"  Only a few bands have actually obliged him so far this season, with one band, Burning Gong, deciding to walk off the show when The Dorvikish Drunk wouldn't let them continue until they played a few bars of the "Pretzel Polka" which he was at the moment, drunkenly attempting to sing for them.

Unlike other farcical variety shows of this type, "Der Dorvischer Säufer" features absolutely no nudity or vulgar language.  There are a number of adult oriented jokes, plenty of scantily clad cast members, both male and female, double entendres and innuendos, but they are delivered so wittily that only those listening for them will get them.  Lopez, for his part, said "I don't even drink on stage.  The beer I drink at the beginning of the program is so watered down that you would kill your bladder trying to get drunk off of it.  It's more like beer flavored seltzer water."  The show is among the more wholesome programs on the television, though its satire is very biting.  There are casual references to mindless militarism, flippant discussion of brutally crushing foreign lands, and graphic depictions of fiercely regimented society.  "If you didn't know anything about Dorvik, you'd think the whole place was like a boot camp completely awash in booze and polka," said Lopez.  But he defends the program.  "I think, to be completely honest, that we are showing the best of a great imperial power like Dorvik.  I mean:  I believe some Dorvish fieldmarshals would legitimately admire the shine of my black boots...  If their government would ever uncensor their televisions, I mean..."

Lopez, who was born in Gaduridos, but immigrated to Kalistan as an infant, is from Sulari.  He started acting in school comedies at the age of 14, and was considered one of the most charismatic actors of the last decade, before tragedy struck him and he was in a motorcycle accident.  Since then, his star fell and he was forgotten, for the most part until he was cast in this year's breakout hit.  "They said they were looking for someone who could do a Dorvik accent:  Not so well that anyone would be fooled, but well enough that it would take advantage of the weird ticks of the Dorvish language.  By the time I went in, I was close to 300 pounds, I was graying significantly, I didn't really have a shot.  So when I was practicing for the audition, I was reading some lines from one of my old plays, and was chewing on a particularly good turkey sandwich, when all of a sudden, I read one of the funny lines which always cracked me up, and I accidentally inhaled my turkey sandwich...  I was hacking and choking, and finally got it up, but I was like 'Well, when I go in tomorrow, I'll just deliver the lines like I was choking on a turkey sandwich...'  Turns out that was exactly what they were looking for, and I was given the part without any callbacks."

The show got off to a rough start.  Certain "sensitivity" groups objected to the show being produced.  "They weren't so much against us making fun of Dorvik on tv," said Lopez.  "It was more like, these nationalists didn't think we ought to show anything about Dorvik at all.  But the producers said 'that's censorship' and called them all hypocrites, and eventually they backed down."  The show was originally intended to be a scripted comedy, with Lopez playing a bumbling Dorvish naval commander who is nearing the end of his career and is given one last command before he is to be retired on a leaky destroyer with a misfit crew.  "Basically," Lopez said, "the writers ran out of ideas for that show after the first episode.  We used some of those in the sketch 'Der Kommandant', when Elaine [Olgasdottir] came out in that really, almost bikini of a naval outfit...  I'm glad that wasn't the whole show...  We got some laughs, but I couldn't have kept that up for 24 episodes!"

Eventually, Lopez pitched a variety show.  "Its much easier to make an hour long weekly variety program than it is to try to build a coherent narrative for a whole season," said producer Francesco Guillermo.  "We can write 5 minute segments and do them live on TV.  It works...  Eddie stumbles around for a few minutes, tells some jokes like he's from Dorvik, we book three musical guests a week, let the ladies walk around in basically nothing, but tasteful, of course, and voila...  rinse and repeat.  The crowds love it!  Its good-natured fun, at the expense of a self-professed world power, who takes themselves entirely too seriously."

Lopez agreed.  "Yeah, sometimes the jokes bomb.  A lot of times, you really gotta know the weird kinks and perversions of Dorvik to fully get some of this stuff.  Like:  What do you do when your whole country is basically a tundra?  How do you keep warm when there is a mountain of snow on top of your house and your religion encourages alcoholism but not contraceptives?  I mean, how do you even feed your people when you receive on average 97 feet of snow a year, let alone maintain the most advanced military in the entire world?  That's like a joke that writes itself!  Classic comedic scenario.  But, people in Kalistan can't relate to a situation like that.  So sometimes the jokes don't resonate. When I'm not getting the crowd response I need to carry the show, I just give the signal, someone says something about the Kaiser and we go to commercial.  Its like an injoke that 30 million Kalistanis a week are in on.  I love it.  People on the street will mention the Kaiser to me, and I get to just walk away, with a fake tear in my eye!  Brilliant!"

When asked if there will be a second season, Lopez did not mince words.  "Yeah, and a third and a fourth.  And probably an 80th...  as long as Dorvik is weird and militaristic and has good looking women and is basically boring otherwise, we have all the material we need!" 

At press time, "Der Dorvischer Säufer" had 8 episodes in the can and is the most popular television show in Kalistan.  Perhaps they can keep their momentum.  PROST!

[Doc]

National Conservative Party Reforms
Historical NCP Reforms After its Last Dissolution Nearly Forty Years Ago
March 3, 4694

Tod Paris, the NCP's Presidential Candidate, Speaks at the 4694 NCP Party Conference

After its abrupt and unexpected dissolution in 4653 and just over forty years of inaction, the National Conservative Party was reformed last month after a meeting between prominent political activists and held their first Party Conference in Kaliburg this morning. Heading the fourth iteration of the nearly four-hundred year old party are Director Darryl Connor, a former Deputy from the now-dissolved CPK, and Chairman Masahiko Pearce, a political activist that rose to fame during the protests against the outlawing of paramilitaries and the undoing of the system of defense that the Kalistani Armed Forces followed for centuries.

At the Kaliburg Party Conference, a number of candidates for executive positions were appointed, including the NCP's candidate for President of the Republic, Tod Paris, a former soldier in the National Republican Army and country singer. In the past, Paris has shown his support for a number of key policies which he has indicated that he would include in his platform for his upcoming bid for the Presidency, including a return to the pre-LDP dual economic system and taking a tougher stance on the international stage, specifically with regards to Kalistan's sovereign territory in the Ananto Straights and its violation by the Dorvish Navy.

The old Party manifesto was also approved during the Kaliburg Conference, though a number of new issues have become preeminent in the NCP which has compelled its members to reform the party. Chief among these are policies of national security, including the recreation of the paramilitary system and reformation of the Conservative Army of Kalistan as well standing up to foreign nations that violate the territorial sovereignty of Kalistan in the Ananto Straights.

The Party has also approved campaigning plans for the upcoming elections as well as a public awareness campaign scheduled to begin within the coming months to spread awareness of the NCP's reformation. A number of public events that are to occur throughout the year have been scheduled and revealed already, according to the NCP's Public Relations Director, Tristram Dwerryhouse.